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Why should the entire human race be thankful to Coronavirus disease (COVID-19)?

After Covid-19, almost the complete population of the world is in lockdown. Almost all of us are at homes. With this phenomenon, we now see animals coming out and living their lives as freely as we used to a few days back.

While I am writing all of this, I see two langurs sitting besides each other and eating on a terrace adjacent to mine. In the background, I am hearing chirping of birds. I see nature taking control of things now. 

It seems that nature is taking revenge from us. For a long time, we, the humans, have taken so much control of everything around us that we started to feel as if everything is in our control. For quite some time, we have been living a life under the impression that we are the masters and everything around us is our slaves be it birds, animals, etc. 

Even if we had not assumed this, one thing is pretty sure. For a long time, we have been taking everything around us for granted, be it sunsets, sunrises, afternoons, evenings, nature, sky, stars, housewives, etc. This whole COVID-19 lockdown has really made a difference.

It has made us realize the fact that even if we do not step out of house, even if we do not go out for work and even if the whole world is locked in doors, then also the sun would still rise, then also the afternoons would still happen, then also the evenings would still happen, then also the sun would still set, then also the stars would still sparkle, then also the rainbow would still happen. In essence, things which are beyond us would still occur. Natural phenomenon would still be in force. Therefore, we really need to stop exaggerating our survival. At the end of the day, we are just one of the creatures on this earth whose significance and presence is not beyond any other creature on this earth. So, just chill. Stop taking yourself so seriously. In fact, I would go on to the extent of saying that your presence is inconsequential to this earth. 

Table of Contents

1. Why is your existence inconsequential to this earth?
2. Why does the human race consider its existence to be super crucial
to this earth?
3. What are the repercussions of this belief?
4. And then Covid-19 happened……

Why is your existence inconsequential to this earth?

Whether we are alive or dead, the universe would go on. If we can actually realize, feel and look at this fact, then it would be our biggest takeaway from the present crisis. The ongoing crisis has made us realize that the existence of the human race is inconsequential to this earth. 

But the question is why am I saying so? Why is it the case that your existence does not matter to this world? 

You might be feeling that I am saying bullshit. You might be saying silently to yourself, “I am super important for this world. You know, I have to do so much. And one day, the world would remember me for that, etc., etc.”

My friend, for a moment, please keep all your thoughts aside and hear me out, at least for a few minutes. I humbly request you to please understand what I am trying to say.

So, yeah, coming to the point. I am saying that your presence does not matter to the world. Your presence is inconsequential to this world, earth or universe (whatever, you wanna say). And, the question is why am I saying so?

Because, if we (the whole human race also) die, then also the earth shall remain, then also the universe shall remain. In that situation, the earth would be inhabited by different forms of life (be it soil, insects, birds, animals or other forms). If there would be absence of anybody in that situation, then it would be only humans.

Even if the whole human race extincts, then also the sun would rise, then also the moon would come into the sky, then also stars would shine. Maybe, animals would come out and take over all the roads, buildings and institutions built by us. And then after a while, every such human made thing would collapse and the earth would be restored to its original form.  

Now, you might be thinking, “If this is the truth, then why the hell do I give such importance to myself?” In fact, this is the time in the history when we as a whole human race really need to ask ourselves, “Why do we consider our existence to be super important to this earth?” We need to pause and reflect upon this question. 

I have reflected upon this question. Let’s see what I found.

Why does the human race consider its existence to be super crucial to this earth? Why do humans think that they are the masters/ dons of this earth?

  • It is because we are the only form of life on this earth which has the ability to use and/or control the things on this earth (be it land, soil, animals, water or any other thing available on this earth).
  • It is because of the immense progress made by humans over a couple of years, decades and centuries. In the present times, we have progressed to such an extent that life has become far more comfortable than ever. To feel this comfort, our dependence upon nature and other people has been considerably reduced. This is one of the primary reasons which has caused us to not give a fuck about others whatsoever and somewhere also start assuming the greatness of human race as a whole .  

There was a time when we were dependent on nature for our survival. Despite this, we never stopped growing and progressing. In the last several years, we have reached a state where we think (and feel this way) that our lives are not dependent upon nature for our survival. 

From morning to evening, whatever we do has very less connection with our surroundings (forget nature). We are living our lives either in our minds or in our electronic devices (be it phones, laptops or TVs). As a result, we have reached a level where we have forgotten the existence of people around, stars around, skies around, etc, etc. We have become so self engrossed in our lives that we feel that everything is in our control (at least in our own lives) despite being out of touch with everything around. Over time this perception has become stronger (especially after the advent of internet age). 

Apparently, it may appear that our progress has made us merely selfish and self engrossed. It has no connection with humans thinking that their existence is super important to this earth. This conclusion may appear to be right if thought out superficially.

However, if we go into the depths of our minds, then we would realize that coupled with our selfishness, there has been a consistent rise in our egos, thanks to our material progress. This collective ego of all human beings has risen to such an extent that we all have somehow come to believe that nothing is beyond humans. We can conquer anything. A sort of superiority complex has been born and the same has been growing with time. It is this which has given birth to the idea that humans are the masters of this earth. This belief, with time, is getting deeply rooted into our minds. And the same is visible in our actions.

If this is not the case, then tell me how many of you ever thought that scientists would not be able to quickly come up with a vaccine for a disease in the 21st century. How many of you thought that, even in the 21st century, thousands would die across the world because of cold and cough? 

We used to think (until this Covid-19 happened) that death is vincible. We, the humans, have progressed at least to a level where we would not die because of pandemics. Epidemics and pandemic appeared to be things of the past which used to happen because of inadequate/ no scientific progress. In the present times, when science has progressed to such a level, we never expected mass dying. The idea of masses dying because of a health disaster never appeared to be real. Leave apart real, it never appeared to be a potential threat to most of the humans living on the earth at this point of time. People dying in the 21st century because of a pandemic was beyond our imagination. In the last several years, we have witnessed insurmountable scientific growth that we were anticipating living forever (humans becoming immortal). In such a scenario, how would anybody expect people dying in thousands and that too because of health emergencies!!  

The extent of all this progress, somehow, started to overshadow our limitations as a human race. With too much progress, the fear of death never faded. However, the ability to face death definitely got better as we became capable of avoiding death until the age of 60 to 70 years. This boosted our confidence to a substantial level. Added to this, mankind’s achievement in space and technology resulted in overconfidence. If not overconfidence, then at least somewhere this belief that we, the humans are the rulers/ masters of this earth. If not that, then at least too much of our progress made us feel that we are the most important creature on this earth. And, it is this belief which has led to the present crisis. (We are important for the earth but not to the extent that our existence threatens the existence of earth as a whole.)

What were the repercussions of this belief?

This belief has led to several repercussions. Some of them being:- 

  1. We started treating nature as a subordinate and separate body to ourselves (although the fact is that nature has allowed us to inhabit and take use of this earth). We forgot the fact that we are just a part of nature and not the other way round.
  2. We became indifferent to the rest of the species on this earth (who equally have the right to occupy and use the resources of this earth). 
  3. We showed indifference to all the other things which happen in nature without our interference. If not indifference, then at least, we stopped acknowledging and appreciating the automatic natural phenomenon.  
  4. Showing indifference became a part of our nature/ habit/ attitude. In present times, it has reached to a level where being super-selfish has become the new normal way of living life.

Can’t we spend days and days just in our rooms with our phones without even acknowledging the existence of the other person sitting around?

The repercussions of this way of life are:-  

  • Our thoughts about self have increased to such an extent that we have become oblivious to the existence of things, life, people beyond this self.
  • We have gotten so engrossed in ourselves that everything in our minds just revolves around this SELF. 
  • I, me and myself have become a very dominating force. 
  1. We developed our own notions about death. We believed that we could die only because of some specific set of reasons and that too at a particular age. We also believed that death is a phenomenon which could be controlled by human beings. 
  2. We did not want to see death as a reality. A reality which, no matter what, is beyond the control of human beings. Owing to this, rather than acting in light of this reality that death has to happen, we were living a life where there was always a fear of death.  
  3. In essence, owing to this enormous progress, the humans started considering themselves to be the gods/ dons/ masters (whatever you wanna say).
  4. We gave so much importance to ourselves that we started to assume that this world cannot continue without us. We started to assume that the world needs us and not the other way round. The more we assumed this, the more we believed that the human race is driving this world. The more we thought this way, the more we forgot the existence of a power which was beyond us. The more we did that, the more we emphasized upon the sole power of humans. The more we did that, more we became incapable of handling things like death which were beyond us.    

Unfortunately, most of us were not even aware of this incapability of ours till Covid-19 happened. We had no idea as to how to deal with this incapability. We did not know how to face death.

And then Covid-19 happened……..

When Covid-19 happened, it shattered the whole world for the following reasons:-

  1. It took substantial time for the world leaders to realize that death is very easily available now. By the time they realized this, Covid-19 had already spread across the countries. 
  2. It forced the governments to use force so that people stayed back at homes. People did not realize the fact that their death was standing right outside their homes.

Above incidents happened because we did not want to believe that death could happen to us and that too, without a notice and that too, with such ease. It really took some time to sink in the fact that yes, death can happen to any of us, that too at such short notice and so easily. 

Now, when we have realized/ realizing all of this, let’s use this time to acknowledge this eternal truth that humans are incapable of avoiding death. If we do not acknowledge it now, then we would never be able to deal with this incapability of ours. 

Hence, let’s acknowledge the fact that death is beyond us (no matter how much we progress). Let’s acknowledge the fact that we cannot control death. Let’s acknowledge the fact that death doesn’t discriminate. Let’s acknowledge the fact that we can control the way we live but we cannot control the way we die. Let’s acknowledge the fact that we can choose the timing of our wedding, family planning, etc., but we cannot choose the timing of our death. Let’s acknowledge the fact that we can prepare our best to fight against death, but we cannot defeat death if it is destined to happen. Let’s acknowledge the fact that we can control what happens between life and death, but we cannot control the timing of these two events. Let’s acknowledge the limitation of the human race in terms that it cannot win death, no matter what. Let’s acknowledge the fact that we may become capable of dying comfortably, but we cannot eliminate DEATH altogether. Let’s accept the fact that we cannot conquer death. Let’s do this despite all the pain which this fact is giving to us. Let’s not only accept this but also find out a way to deal with this fact.

You must be wondering how can we make us capable of dealing with the bitter truth/ fact that death is inevitable. How to deal with this fact that the timing of our deaths cannot be pre-fixed? How to deal with this fact that the way we would be dying cannot be pre-fixed? How to deal with this truth that the timing of our deaths cannot be postponed? 

We can deal with this truth/ fact through following:-

  1. Rather than thinking and expecting death to happen in future at a particular point/ at a particular age/ at a particular place/ at a particular event/ along with a particular person/ after a particular achievement/ after a particular success, EXPECT death to happen today in this very moment/ in this very day/ in this very year/ in this particular situation/ in this place/ along with these very people whom you are living with/ in these very seconds.  

(Please note that your expectations about death can change if your perception towards death changes. This cannot happen by merely reading this article.)  

  1. Once you start to expect your death in this very moment, you would be living your life to the fullest at this very moment. You would not postpone living a wonderful life to future because there would be no more future. Whatever is there, it would be in this moment. That’s how you would start feeling. You would be living every moment of your life to the fullest. So much life would be added to every second of your life, that death would also be scared if it does come to you. Death would be like, “How come this person is so happy. S/he is not scared of me. I am Death. Seriously. How is it possible?” 
  1. If this happens, then trust me this would be your biggest victory. Death, which scares the whole world, would be confused by your fearlessness, your liveliness, your cheerfulness and your delightfulness. Death won’t be able to scare you. You would be able to face death without any fear. This fearlessness would be visible in your eyes. Your sparkling eyes would convey everything. Your eyes would convey to everybody (including death) that you are okay with death happening to you. You might even share this ease with people around. 
  1. Most likely, people will be shocked. They fear death. And here you are, who is saying, “I am chill with death also. Let it happen. I have no regrets. I have lived my life to the fullest. There was nothing in life which I had postponed to the future. Whatever my biggest desires were, I really did well to fulfill them. Whether they got fulfilled or not is not my concern. But the way I lived my life was really phenomenal. It was just so amazing. I had experienced everything which I wanted. Although not everything, but yes, whatever happened was just so awesome that it does not really matter what did not happen. Now this death thing is happening to me. Let it happen. Just like I thoroughly enjoyed every happening of my life, whether good ones or bad ones, let me enjoy this happening also. Let me enjoy my death also.” 
  1. Looking at your sheer enjoyment, Death might also wonder, “What the fuck? Have I lost my ability to scare people? Have I become incapable of making people fear? How come this person is not at all scared of me?” 
  1. In Spite of everybody (including death) being confused about your response to death, you would be the only one who would be at ease with your very death. Such an ironic thing it would be. Isn’t it?   
  1. If you really want the above things to happen in your life, then change your lenses towards death. (I have said enough about it in the earlier part. So, I will not repeat here.) This is the lesson which every human being can try to learn from the Covid-19 Crisis.
  1. The lesson which human civilization, collectively, can learn from Covid-19 is understanding that we should progress yet not forget the inevitable truth, i.e. death. This can happen only if our scientific progress takes us towards this truth. However, our present direction of progress is distracting us from the eternal truth. It is falsifying the bitter truths about life in the name of science. 
  1. The scientific community is working upon this idea of making humans immortal. It is nothing but an attempt to cloud our minds. It is an attempt to make us believe that death is not inevitable. It is an attempt to make us believe that death can be avoided. It is an attempt to make us believe that we can live forever on this earth. It is an attempt to take away the value of our limited years on earth because now we are going to have so many years on earth! 
  1. This type of scientific progress causes a lot of problems. It creates an illusion in the minds of people that we are not going to die. That death is not going to happen. These types of beliefs (if occur on the basis of science and reason) have the potential to destroy human civilization. 
  1. What if something like Covid-19 happens again in future? How would we deal with it if we do not change the direction of our scientific progress by that time? 
  1. We would be crippled and we won’t be able to act at all in that situation. The number of deaths would be far more than the number of deaths which have been happening owing to Covid-19. This would happen because our belief about ‘death not happening’ would have strengthened so much by that time (owing to the present direction of our scientific progress) that we won’t be able to act at all. We (the entire human race) would be undergoing a lot of pain as our collective beliefs about death would be failing in reality. Our beliefs would be failing so badly that our ability to mitigate/ reduce the number of deaths would get reduced considerably. Resultantly, the loss in numbers to humans would be far more than the loss which is happening/ happened due to Covid-19. In essence, we would be losing a lot if we do not change the direction of our scientific progress and something like Covid-19 again happens in future. Therefore, we should be using Covid-19 as an opportunity to change the direction of our scientific progress. 
  1. Any scientific progress which takes humans away from the ‘reality about death’ should not be pursued. Rather, those scientific endeavors which remind us and keep us in touch with this ‘eternal truth about death’ should be encouraged. If the scientific community feels that the present progress is separating us from the truths about life, then at least an endeavor should be made to discontinue such progress and pursue that type of progress which brings humans closer to inevitables about life, i.e. death. Such an attempt would seriously make humans capable of dealing with eventualities like Covid-19, if happen in future again. 

Such an attempt would force governments to spend a larger amount on its health infrastructure. Such an attempt would make us internally capable of dealing with death. Such an attempt would make us realistically fearless. Such an attempt would compel us to find out the better ways of dealing with the pain of death rather than just brushing aside this pain of death. Such an attempt would infuse positivity in us not because we would not be dying ever but because we would be knowing how to deal with the physical and psychological pain of death. Such an attempt would make us face to face with death. This would be our biggest victory from Covid-19.

That’s why the entire human race should be thankful to Covid-19. Can there be a victory bigger than this? Can there be a conquest bigger than facing the fear of death? 

Think about it. Post your thoughts. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Whether you agree or disagree, feel free to post your thoughts. 🙂

Despite having different emotional needs, can two people live happily ever after?

Just because there is a relation between two persons (which might be in the nature of a parent and child, husband and wife, brother and sister), does it mean that two persons have obligation to give love and care to each other?  How does the existence of a relation between you and your partner entitle you to his/ her love and care?

If we try to answer this question from pure logic, it would be almost impossible to conclude that a relationship entitles two people involved to love and care of each other. I mean, seriously. what if I naturally do not feel any love and care for my partner/ my parents/ my siblings? What is wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with that. But, what if, I tell you the secret of developing relationships where both the parties always feel love and care for each other. Relationships where there is growth yet long-lasting togetherness. Relationships where people come together not for their personal needs but to fulfill the existential needs of their partner. Wanna know the secret? Go ahead and don’t stop till you reach the end. [Trust me, you would not be dissatisfied. But in case you are dissatisfied, then advance sorry. 😦 ]

First of all, I have looked at what we care about and why we enter into relationships. Once we understand this, it becomes easier for us to know why relationships get so complicated. In the end, I have answered this: how can two people live happily despite having different emotional needs?     

Table of Contents

1. What do we actually care about?
2. Why do we enter into relationships?
3. How can two people live happily ever after?

1. What do we actually care about?

We, the humans, have a lot of needs. For example: need of food, need to pee, need to sleep, need of money, need of sex, need of love, etc. In order to fulfill these needs, we need objects as well as people. Some needs can be directly fulfilled by objects and for some others, we depend upon people.

If I am hungry, I can eat a pizza and that’s how I can satisfy my hunger.

But suppose, I am feeling lonely at my house. I want someone to talk to in person. This is a need which cannot be satisfied by TV, Laptop, phone, etc. It can only be fulfilled by a person. To fulfill this need, I call my friend and she comes. She feels happy and cared.

That’s the catch.

My friend thinks that I love her and care about her. But, in reality, this is not the case. I care about my own need of loneliness and to fulfill that need, I am using my friend. It can further be confirmed from the way I would respond to her if she refuses to come to my house. If I get angry because of her refusal, then it’s a clear proof that I was just using my friend for fulfillment of my own need and I don’t really care about her life, her problems, her commitments, her emotions and she as a person in totality. In this particular situation, I cared about my need and not my friend. This happened because my ultimate objective was fulfillment of my need and my friend was only a way for me to reach to that objective. Therefore, when she refused, I was not really bothered about why she refused, and the moment she said no, I got pissed and started to wonder whom should I call next who could come and stay with me.

And that’s how, our relationships are formed, be it personal life or professional life. We use people to fulfill our own specific needs and as long as people do that, we love them, we care about them. But the moment they refuse to fulfill our needs, we get angry, we leave them and look for other people who can fulfill those needs. In essence, we humans, by default are selfish creatures. (Man is just a mannequin of his needs [आदमी सिर्फ अपनी जरूरतों का पुतला है].)

The most important priority for us is our own personal needs. In order to fulfill those needs, we keep on running the whole day. If we need clean teeth, we would run to the washroom; if we need food, we would run to the kitchen; if we need clean clothes, we would run to the washing machine; if we are feeling restless at our homes, we would go out with our friends; if we are feeling lonely, we would start dating someone, etc, etc. The point is that whatever we do in the whole day is just to fulfill our own needs. Our actions directly reflect the need which we are trying to fulfill.

2. Why do we enter into relationships?

For example, your personal need is happiness, you are not able to fulfill that need on your own, now you meet X who is generally a happy person. So, you would be drawn towards X. You would start to care about X. Irrespective of how X responds to your care, you tried to connect with X to fulfill your own need. You cared about X for selfish reasons. That’s how we all behave. We enter into relations for selfish reasons. We do not enter into relationships to take care of the other person but for fulfillment of our own personal needs. And the moment X’s presence in your life does not give you happiness (as this was essentially the need you wanted to get fulfilled), you are most likely to leave X.

Not only with X, this is how we generally behave with anybody who we come across. Just look at your life and see how many people are there in your life at this moment with whom you are connected despite they not fulfilling any of your needs. Barely anybody. Out of the 100 people you know, 95 are likely to be those who are there either because you are fulfilling their needs or vice versa.

Another way to prove this is: just observe how many times you as an adult you go back to your mother and spend time with her. Once a day? Once a week? Once a month? Once a Year? Take note of the answer. Now, go back to your childhood and recall that as a child, half of your day was spent in the company of your mother. You literally spent days and years growing with your mother. Why is this stark difference there? The reason is simple. When we were kids, we needed that love, care, nourishment at the level of body aand mind. Our mothers were there with us fulfilling those needs. Therefore, all that time was spent in the company of mums. Please underline. It was again those needs that made us to be in company with our moms (I agree, it was not done intentionally on our parts. Yet, it still remains the fact that our needs brought that intimacy (closeness) with our mothers). Now, as an adult, our needs have changed and there are lot of people (and objects) in our lives who can fulfill our needs, therefore, we do not go back to our mothers as often as we used to do in the past.

Hence, at the cost of repetition, I would say that relationships are just a mechanism to fulfill our personal needs. 

3. Despite this, can two people live happily ever after?

Now, if two people, who are in a relationship and have different needs, can they ever live together happily? Why this question has arisen is because most of the people in their relationships (be it with parents or partners) are very dissatisfied as they, time and again, choose between fulfilling personal needs v/s partner’s needs. Choosing the partner’s needs makes the person himself dissatisfied. And choosing the personal needs causes frustration in the partner. Hence, whatever needs you choose to fulfill, at least one of the persons in the relationship is bound to feel unhappy. It would always be a win-lose situation. In such a situation, two people can never live a genuinely happy life.

Therefore, the question which I now intend to address is this: can two people, having different needs, still be together and live a life where both of them are in a win-win situation.

a. Is it even possible? If so, how?

Yes, it is possible if you change the way you look at your partner. The win-lose situation happens because you treat your partner as an instrument for reaching your needs. The win-win situation can happen if you start realizing (from within) that your partner is a human being who is made up of his/ her own needs, his/ her own expectations, his/ her own emotions, his/ her own problems, his/ her own flaws, his/her own failures, his/her own frustrations, his/ her own weaknesses and his/ her own share of unfulfilled needs. You would have to look at your partner beyond the prism of needs, whether theirs or yours. You would have to be considerate enough to understand that they also have their own lives and all the times they cannot fulfill anybody’s needs. You really need to see them (and even yourself) beyond needs. Then only anything better can happen.

b. How can this change result in a win-win situation?

This changed perception towards your partner would automatically result in the birth of a new need within you. After this change, the well-being of your partner (not just for name’s sake but in a real sense) would become your top-most need vis-a-vis your partner. If this actually happens, then it would be directly reflected in your dealings with your partner.

Take a situation: Your partner is going through a tough time (because of X reason). At that particular point of time, the relationship between you and your partner is also not going great because of some issues.

In this situation, if you would treat your partner just a gateway to your personal needs, then you are most likely to ignore your partner (who is already going through a tough time and would definitely need your support on account of such crisis) because of the ongoing issues.

However, if you would treat your partner as an end, then you would walk up to them and would genuinely want to ensure that they are alright. The ongoing issues would not stop you from taking care of your partner.

c. How would it be your victory?

After this changed perception, automatically, your top most need would be ensuring that your partner is alright irrespective of any situation and circumstance. Therefore, in the above mentioned situation wherein you walked up to your partner (despite there being ongoing issues between both of you) just to take care of them, you fulfilled your own need. That’s how; it was a victory for you.

Another reason as to why it would be your victory. Since you now treat your partner as an end, they would also start to do the same.

Take a situation.

You are going through some crisis. Because of this, you are not able to give time to your partner. Despite this, your partner comes to you and ensures that you (as a person) are alright (it happened because your partner treats you as an end and not just a means). Would you not want this? Would it not be a victory for you?

d. How can you develop this different perception?

The way you treat others is just a reflection of how you treat yourself. Whether you agree or not, the harsh reality is that you use your body and mind to fulfill your needs. You consider yourself to be a piece of flesh and mind who has to run the whole day for fulfillment of various needs (physical needs, financial needs, emotional needs, etc.). If you would look at your life with honest eyes, you would realize that your needs are far more important to you than your physical, mental and emotional well being. You are just using your body and mind as a means to reach your own personal needs.

When I realized this about myself, I did not want to accept it. I was like,

“No, this is not possible. I do care about my well being”.

To actually find out the truth, I did this.

I asked myself, “What is the biggest need of my life”?

The answer was, “It is X”.

Then I posed another question to myself, “What if this need (X) remains unfulfilled throughout my life despite putting every effort into it?  What would I do then”?

Shockingly, the instant answer was, “I would kill myself”.

And that was the MOMENT when I realized that I was just using my body, my mind, my resources, my relationships to fulfill that one need of mine (the need which I have (consciously or unconsciously) decided to give far more weightage than even the well-being of my body and mind.)

‘Seriously? Would I kill myself just because I fail to fulfill one of my needs (despite putting all the efforts)? Can that one need be far more important than all the other needs of mine? Does nothing matter in front of that need? Not even my body, my mind, my happiness, and my relationships? Can that one need eat everything of me? Can I sacrifice my whole existence for that one need’? I asked myself.

The answer was definitely negative.

Then I asked, “Do I even have an existence which is independent of these needs”?

“Yes, I do”, was the answer.

So, what does that existence constitute?

It constitutes of the need to be loved and cared for despite failing at everything else in life. It constitutes of the need for acceptance despite all the setbacks. It constitutes of the need to be taken care of despite all my fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It constitutes of the need to be loved even if I am not able to fulfill the needs of my loved ones [I call them as EXISTENTIAL NEEDS].

“Have I ever done anything till date to take care of my existence”?, was my next question.

Sadly, the answer was, ‘No’.

These existential needs never came to be fulfilled by me because I never looked at my body and mind as an end. Rather, I used them as a means to get the things which I cared about. I used my intelligence to achieve professional excellence. I used my ability to put effort into becoming successful. I used my writing skills to highlight women’s issues. I used my speaking skills to prove my confidence.

There is no problem in doing all these activities. The problem exists in the way I treated these qualities of mine, be it intelligence, ability to put in effort, my writing skills or my speaking skills. For me, they all were the instruments to reach somewhere else. I never valued these qualities for their existence. Rather, I valued them for what they were giving to me. I did the same with my body. This is a transactional way of living life. If I am dealing with myself in such a transactional way, then how else would you expect me to deal with my partner?

That is essentially the reason why you need to start valuing your body and mind for what it is (for its sheer existence) and not what it is giving to you. You need to treat yourself as an end and not just a means. The moment you do it, a major transformation would happen. From here on, you would also start to value your partner for his/her existence and not what they are giving to you. From hereon, your perception and needs towards them would automatically be changed.

e. Would it not be a better way to actually find and live with people who have the same emotional needs as yours?

Although it’s impossible to happen, let’s assume that you and your partner have the same emotional needs. Would that be a guarantee to a happy life?

Sadly No.

Just because, at this point of time, your needs are same as your partner, it does not mean that it would be the case throughout your whole life.  

What if within a span of next one month, your needs or your partner’s needs change (because of any X, Y, Z reason)? What would you do then? Would you leave them just because now their needs are not matching yours?

Suppose you actually leave them and now find another person whom you think that their needs are same as yours (initially, it does feel that way). But, over a period of time, you again realize that your needs are actually very different [or becoming very different] from them. Now would you leave this person also?

How many times would you do this? You are leaving people in the hope of finding that right partner whose needs are exactly as yours. My friend, it is an illusion. It would never happen.

We, the human, are always changing (either towards better or not so better future). Therefore, our needs would always continue to change. In fact, it is natural and it should happen. It is a sign of growth (either positive or negative). Changing needs reflect that we are growing with time. Therefore, if you and/ or your partner’s needs change, then it’s a good sign. Do not get threatened about it. Just know how to deal with it.

And the way to deal with it is this: no matter how frequently your partner changes, his/ her aspirations change, his/ her behavior towards you change, just do not ignore his/ her existential needs if you really want to be with them throughout your life. Do not stop caring about them as a person. Treat them as an end. Be with them when they need you the most.

If you would apply this approach, then you would not try to find people with the same emotional needs. Rather, you would be able to develop strong relationships even with those people whose needs are very different from you as long as s/he cares about your existential needs and vice versa.   

So, that’s all for today.

See you soon. Till then, take care of your existential needs. Start treating yourself as an end. Rest all would fall to its place. 🙂

How to deal with the death of a relationship?

Image Source: theeverygirl.com

If a PERSON dies and that person is very close to us, then events like शोक सभा, तीये की बैठक, तेहरवां, etc help us to express our grief. But if our RELATIONSHIPS DIE with people like friends, special friends, (any person whom we consider to be important in our lives), then it becomes tougher. Neither is there any शोक सभा nor any तीये की बैठक.

Loss of a relationship can be very traumatic. It gets difficult to handle all the emotional upheaval, more so, when we really do not have any idea as to how to deal with this loss. In such a situation, generally what we do is this: we replay everything (be it good or bad) related to that relationship again and again in our heads despite knowing that this replay is making us feel horribly terrible. While we do this, we would play all the sad songs in the background.;). Knowing this, in this article my endeavor would be answering this question: what is a better way to deal with the death of a relationship [as I have just done that recently :)]. In other words, what has helped me to overcome the loss of a relationship?

Table of Contents

1. What it feels to be after the death of a relationship?
2. How to deal with this mess?
* Avoid Questions with no practical utility.
* Answer the single most relevant question.
* Go back and do that thing which makes you who you are.
3. How did I deal with my recent loss?

What it feels to be after the death of a relationship?

After the death of a relationship, our mind gets clouded with so many questions. These are not merely questions, rather reflection of our deepest fears. Questions like: Will I be able to live without that person, What if I had separated from the right person, What if I remain alone throughout my life, Could I have compromised on this/ that, Was it me who was wrong or the other person, Why did I even associate with this person, Did I ever matter to that person, Was I arguing for something not worth finishing off our relationship, Were those promises mere hollow statements, Was it just a wave of attraction and nothing more, Was it meant to be such short lived, Was my decision to separate taken impulsively, Why did s/he behave in that manner, Could this relationship have worked out had I worked more, What could have been done to make this relationship better, Was it a wrong decision to separate, Can we ever be together in future, Was this relationship taking away the essence of my life (and the reality is you cannot answer this question unless you yourself know what, actually, is the essence of your life. Howsoever, harsh it may sound, the fact is that most of us have no clue as to what is the essence of our life), etc,etc.

How to deal with this mess?

  • Avoid questions with no practical utility. The above mentioned questions may result in sleepless nights. Life can feel insanely miserable if we continue to entertain such questions in our heads. It would become extremely difficult for us to spend even seconds of seconds if we go in search of the above mentioned questions. Why I say so is because there cannot be any right or wrong answer to these questions. On top of that, I do not think that you need to answer or even attempt to find out answers to all these questions considering the fact that your relationship with that person is already over. These questions and answers to them do not serve any practical utility
  • Answer the single most relevant question (that too before you end the relationship). And even if you want to answer any question, then let that question be this: whether this relationship is taking away peace of my mind (or happiness, whatever name you call it) on a regular basis? (Madams and sirs, please answer this question before you end your relationship). If it is yes, then convey it to the other person that his/ her behavior is making you feel that way. Despite this, if the other person does not change his/ her behavior out of will or necessity, then it’s time to move on. We enter into relationships for happiness and if a relationship is continuously taking away our happiness, then I see no point in dragging that relationship.
  • Go back and do that thing which makes you who you are (the activity which defines you) (the activity which you would do even if you are not paid for it) (the activity which you might have done several times as a child). In such situations, I go back to what I love doing, namely, WRITING. I deconstruct every emotion through which I go through during such time, understand those emotions by bringing my rationality in between, express all of that as simply as possible through writings and share all of that with people. Simply speaking, I go back to thinking, writing and putting those writings before people.

While thinking and writing compel me to understand my emotions, my fears, my vulnerabilities at the deepest level, sharing it with people allows me to publicly accept all those fears and vulnerabilities. By this, I admit my fears and vulnerabilities before everybody. And it is this part which helps me the most in dealing with the loss of the relationship that I had suffered.

Why I say so is because when I show my wounds (my fears, my weaknesses and trauma) to the people, then that part of mine gets normalized. That loss gradually becomes normal for me. The shame/ guilt/ negative feelings associated with that loss also evaporates (vanishes). In fact, over a period of time, I reach a situation wherein my mind takes this loss as the new normal. Over a period of time all the questions also disappear. Once that happens, then I do not push myself to move on, rather moving on happens automatically.

Hence, the way for me to move on after a loss, death or failure is accepting and taking full responsibility of that loss in front of the people who matter to me. Such an acceptance of (a) the fact that the relationship did not work and (b) fears arising after that relationship, ends all my trauma which is associated with that loss. In fact, thereafter, it encourages me to move to the next level and address the real fears I have. Simply putting, expressing my fears without any hesitation makes me fearless and allows me to move on. And that is my way to deal with the end of a relationship (or any failure for that matter).

I have realized this about myself after losing some very crucial relationships in life. I used to write every time a relationship died. As I never came out and spoke about all of that fearlessly in front of the people who mattered to me, the pain for those deaths never ended. Despite appearing to have moved on in life, I had not actually moved on in life. This used to get reflected whenever I started to connect with new persons on a deeper level. Despite there being no need of any conversation relating to those dead relationships, I used to bring up the pain and those deaths again and again in my conversation with the new set of people that I had met. At that point of time, I realized that I was still not over those dead relationships. Those relationships were no more in the present, yet the anger and pain was still there in my mind. With the intention of not repeating those mistakes, this time, after another death of one more relationship, I have chosen to openly share that yes, it did not work out. And I have no regrets about it.

How did I deal with my recent loss?

One thing which I really liked about this recently happened death of one of my relationships is that this death forced me to go back to who I am, i.e. a thinker and a writer. It forced me to even question my belief that law is love. May be it is not. May be, it is just another comfort zone. May be, I am forcing myself to believe that law is love. May be, there is something else, which defines me, viz., namely thinking and writing, which I would want to do even when I am feeling extremely low. In fact, I am beginning to realize that I can move on to any other profession as long as my basic need of thinking, writing (about the stuff I care) and sharing gets fulfilled on a regular basis. Therefore, I am happy that this death happened. [That is definitely not to say that I wish for the revival of this dead relationship :)].

Until now, somewhere, my mind was aware of the fact that I am a thinker and writer (as I had done exactly these two activities in the past when I lost one relationship and failed in the Civils Prelims Exam. In fact, throughout my childhood, I had written hundreds of poems expressing my deepest emotions). But this time, the circle got completed; I again did these two activities and also did not hesitate to share my emotions before the world because now I am not afraid. If, repeatedly, I feel that thinking and writing enable my original self to come out, then why should I be afraid to accept this before the world?

So this is how I dealt with my recent loss. What is your way?

-SONALI KHATRI

Whether Indian Society needs to change its attitude towards working women?

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

At present, whenever in-laws permit their daughter-in-laws to work (particularly in the urban middle class families), generally it is seen that such permission is given with the condition that the daughter-in-law should equally take care of the household work. In case, they cannot manage both of them well, they are asked to choose one of them (with the expectation that they should choose the household work over the professional work.)

This dual responsibility leads to overburdening of the working women, thereby causing a lot of stress and tension. Inadvertently, this also lead them to ignore their health, personal life and social life. Lastly, it can also result in breakdown of the women.

Owing to this, it has become very necessary for me to examine this issue to find out if we, as a society, can do something about it so that things become a bit better for working women.

WHY OF THE PROBLEM? 

Indian Society is governed by this belief that “Ghar ka kaam” is primarily the responsibility of the woman and “Bahar ka kaam” is the responsibility of the man. It is this belief which has been practiced in India for ages which is also the cause of the problem at hand. 

It is not the case that this belief is blatantly incorrect or wrong. In fact, this belief is based upon the principle of division of labour which brings clarity to the minds of men and women as to who needs to do what, thereby leading to the better administration of the house. 

However, this belief reaffirms the argument which says that women are better in doing “Ghar ka kaam” as opposed to “Bahar ka kaam”. 

This belief, howsoever appropriate it might be for the past, it cannot stand in the 21st century. It needs to be changed in light of the present scenario where there are ample examples to prove that women, if given the opportunity, can achieve excellence in “Bahari Duniya” (Outer World) as well. Few examples being Mary Kom, Deepika Padukone, Indira Jaising, etc., etc. And if this belief gets changed, then the question arises who will do Ghar ka kaam which is a very valid question. The answer to this question has been provided in the last part of this article.

IMPLICATIONS  OF THIS BELIEF

Irrespective of the motives and justifications for this belief, the direct effect of this belief is being felt by the working women, esp. in the house of her in-laws. Some such effects are:-

  1. She is looked upon with the expectation to shoulder upon all the responsibilities of the house. Whatever her aspirations are, be it continuing her education,  job, business or anything else, it would be secondary to the household work. (There may be exceptions to this scenario).
  2. She is encouraged to take up those jobs whereby the timing is such that she could equally get some time for “Ghar ka kaam”. That is the reason why we find so many female teachers in India. 
  3. The fact that she has to do household work in addition to office work is capable of preventing women from reaching her full potential in her office work. 
  4. All this burden on women has the potential to literally deprive the women from her personal and social life. 

A working woman has to suffer all of this only for the reason that she is a woman, something over which she had no control. Therefore my question to all my readers is: isn’t it equal to punishing a woman for being a woman?

SOLUTION OF THE PROBLEM

In India, there is a lot of pressure on the females to be thorough/ good in activities like cooking, cleaning, etc. In case she is not good in these activities, then she is in fact rebuked. She is told that she is not going to have a good time after marriage if she cannot perform these activities.  My problem with this approach is this: if both the male and female desire a clean house, good food, washed clothes and they have to live together in the same house, then why is the only women supposed to take care of that house? Why all the responsibility of the house has to fall on the woman if the beneficiaries of that house are men as well? And therefore,  I propose that both men and women need to sit down and divide all the responsibilities of the house equally.  Yes, it is this simple.

Implementation of this simplistic solution would free women from a lot of household work and give them the time to focus upon the things which they really want to do in life. Following this approach in its true spirit would make men realise that “Ghar ka kaam” is equally important.  It would also lead to the respect for those women who consciously choose to become a home-maker. Further, it would also give a lot of breathing space to all those working women who have reservations about marriage because of its potential to negatively affect their work-life.

Practicing this new approach is likely to trouble a lot of people, especially your close family members, may be even your husband. However, this should not stop you from doing something which has the potential to let you pursue your dreams freely even after your marriage. Get your freedom.  Do not mortgage it for a marriage.

(The author is an Advocate based in Jaipur.) 

Disclaimer: This article is based upon the limited personal experiences and observations of the author. Further, the author does not intend to say that “Ghar ka kaam” (household work) is less important than the other sorts of work. However, the ides which I wish to convey is that a woman cannot reach her true potential (in fact, she cannot even realize her true potential) if throughout her life she would do Ghar ka kaam (household work). 

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